Sunday, July 26, 2015

10个要点让你堆砌一篇(假)文青文


1.要先拟一个很有文学气息/假掰的题目,例题:「卡夫卡在我脑海的后花园」
、「週六下午和海明威的咖啡约」等。

2.要在字里行间暗暗显出自己周游列国、阅历丰富兼才学过人,例文:走在东京上野的小巷,突然听见leonard cohen那苍老的嗓子;那咖啡馆的主色调让我想起santorini的天空……诸如此类。

3.要在字里行间隐隐说出自己不屑流行文化。Jolin? 我呸!Taylor Swift?Bad Blood!不看好莱坞韩剧港剧八点档连续剧,只看比安眠药还要催眠的欧洲(还有亚洲几位大师)独立/得奖影片。听唱片的品味越冷僻越好,凡卖上一万张的唱片就不能写乐评──太主流了。

4.要儘量用外文,欧洲各国语系更是上佳。可以写macaroon就不要贬低自己写成马卡龙,知道Gabriel García Márquez就不用画蛇添足的说马奎斯。

5.要慎选文章里会出现的食物,云吞麺、肉骨茶、海南鸡饭、烧卖、臭豆腐等这类大众小食很不文青,要当文青,请记得要喝fair trade coffee配Paris Brest。

6.要在文章第3行说自己在「喝咖啡」;第5行加一句「小确幸」;第7行说一本小说或一张唱片(越冷门越好);第9行谈论一副名画;第11行加一句名家语录(外文为佳)。

7.要营造一个不食人间烟火的形象,凡夫俗子的活动绝对不能在文章里出现,不能写洗澡、运动、吃饭、大小便这类的。

8.要永远予人一种只注重精神丰足不在乎物资不满足的形象。(拿LV的文青妹会被乱石打死)

9.要选最文青的个人照。造型必须是线条或格子上衣,戴眼镜加画家帽,可以手拿咖啡遥望远方做沉思状,黑白或单色调最好。

10.最重要的是写了1500个字后,大家读了之后一头雾水,不知所云,那你肯定完成了一篇(假)文青文了。

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